Unintentional Baggage: The Aftermath of Sexual Assault

Content warning: This story contains non-graphic references to sexual assault.

It’s funny the things we carry with us, without even realising we’re doing so.

A few years ago I was processing some big life changes around the pandemic and lockdowns and realised that I had some repressed memories. They were still a part of me though; a subconscious defense mechanism that came out at random times where I’d be asked ‘Why are you doing that?’, with the only answer I had at the time being ‘I don’t know’. This happened on and off for over a decade; carrying this around with me without ever realising I was doing so, and being confused as to my own reactions. Then one day, as I was processing something else, it suddenly hit me; I was sexually assaulted.

I had just moved to a new city, began a new course, was trying to make new friends and juggle an existing relationship (they had also moved, but a few miles outside of the city). I was exhausted on a level I had never felt before. The person I was with at the time didn’t quite appreciate this and insisted that I went across town one evening to see them.

The moment I got there, I remember saying hi and sitting down, but then I completely passed out fast asleep. A few hours later I woke up and was confused. Partially because I didn’t realise I had fallen asleep, but also because as I sat up, I felt sore. After expressing that I felt sore out loud, I got the response of ‘Oh yeah, you fell asleep and I got bored…’ and that was it. Justified away in an instant.

I know this sounds like an odd thing to repress, but the relationship had been so toxic and manipulative throughout that this behaviour wasn’t a big stretch for them. Also due to the dramatic way the relationship ended, whenever I looked back and joked about bad exes, I’d tend to tell the story of how things ended, instead of thinking about the behaviour throughout.

The main reason this turned into a forgotten memory within my subconscious was simple; I never truly took the time to sit down and process the aftermath of the entire relationship. I was so happy to be away from it, it wasn’t till years later when I was looking back over past mistakes and patterns that I gave myself the chance to process these things fully.

One thing I will say, is that even in realising this happened to me I’ve never considered myself a victim. I was just naive at the time, in a bad situation with someone I should have been able to trust. They also should have had enough respect for me to allow me the opportunity to consent; that’s on them.

Fortunately nowadays there are much more open dialogues about consent than there were at the time of my experience. While I know these discussions don’t eliminate the problem, it does allow for more of a support structure available; I want anyone who may have been through something similar to remember that there’s no shame in talking to someone about your experience.

I also want to stress the most important thing to remember: it is not your fault.

One thing that has been great to acknowledge throughout this situation is that, as I’ve come to terms with my assault, all those subconscious behaviours and defense mechanisms I had around it have completely faded away.

I’m glad I stopped carrying it around.

Written by Pengy, Safe In Our World Ambassador, Class of 2024